Betrayed love, lessons & healing.
As I watch the sunset in front of this magnificent view, hazy orange-red purple sky, overlooking the calm ocean, layered by hills, mountains and this tiny city, with a glass of Ice Riesling in my hand, the word that should come to mind is, Bliss, but all I can currently feel is this ache. Like a few days old wound under a band aid, still at it’s initial stages of healing.
Sitting here reflecting upon 2013, I can’t seem to remember anything else but the pain that closed the last few weeks of the year for me. Discovering the amount of lies and deceit that founded the relationship I was in, the betrayal, the games, the blaming, the cheating. As a result, alot of weaknesses and insecurities that I thought I had dealt with resurfaced, and I was forced to re-evaluate myself.
When someone betrays your love, most of your friends would probably try and make you feel better by saying “It’s a reflection on them and not you, so don’t take it personally”, and I’m sure most of you who have ever been cheated on would probably agree, it’s simply impossible to not take it personally (Atleast in the initial stages anyway).
The thoughts of; “was it because I wasn’t good enough?” “Maybe the new girl is prettier, or skinnier, or smarter, or richer” and the list just goes on and on, eating away at your mind and your heart. Before you know it, you’re at your wits end, wondering why you can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Straying so far from the truth that the only thing you can see is this dull, tired, fearful, lifeless, disgusting person staring at you in the mirror, defining yourself as the person who wasn’t and would probably never be good enough to keep your loved one by your side. Although I knew all these were lies, I still needed to learn to embrace them, but this time in a different way.
I had 2 choices every time a lie decided to bombard my thoughts;
1. Agree with it and allow it to consume and define me.
2. Embrace it, and allow it to shine it’s light on the places that I have kept in the dark.
Through this experience, I actually learned alot about myself, I realised that there was more healing to do in terms of my past childhood traumas, that although I have come a long way, there was still much that hadn’t been dealt with.
When the voice in my head said “You’re probably not as pretty or as skinny as the new girl that he has now” I had to first learn to disagree with it, then find the root of this relentless lie that seems to love visiting everytime something goes wrong in my relationships.
I’m now understanding that it was because of some of the horrible things that were said and done to me when I was a child, which created a fear in me of being rejected by the people I loved. I would forget about loving myself, pour every ounce of love I had on them, just so they would love me and accept me, allowing them to step all over my boundaries. The painful truth was I didn’t care about myself as much as I thought I did.
The lie that my loved ones will reject me if I wasn’t “perfect” in their eyes, gripped me so tight and so strong, that it caused me to love very unwisely.
Its easy to ignore the rejection from people whom you don’t have much relation to, but its completely different when it’s a person you hold very very dear to your heart.
As a result of learning how to think this way, it has made it so much easier for me to forgive him. I began to understand his insecurities and see the depth of the pain that he must’ve had to endure from his childhood and his past experiences that led him to become such a person and to make such poor decisions. If you asked me now whether I despise him, I would answer you “Sometimes”. Afterall, I am human. Sometimes the pain manifests as anger, and I just want to punch the s*** out of him for the unnecessary pain he has caused me. There are also still times when my heart aches and yearns for him, to be back in those happy moments, when it was full of life, full of hope and full of love, when ignorance really was Bliss.
However, when my mind is finally still and quiet, that is when I know for certain that I will never be back with someone who didn’t know how to value me, and as much as I would like to say that I would learn to trust this person again, I probably would never trust him 100% ever again.
What did surprise me was the amount of love I still have for this person, I guess I now know I’m stronger than what I thought I could be. I’m at a stage where I sincerely care and love him, not romantically, but as a person who can understand a glimpse of his pain. I hope in time, with love & compassion, it can begin to chip away at the walls that he had built around his heart to protect himself. I hope, one day, if I get to see him again, I could hug him and tell him, “I know the journey has been hard, I know you’ve made some pretty crap choices, but it’s okay and I’m okay”
By no means am I making an excuse for people who are cheating on their partners, I’m a strong believer of this anonymous quote I once came across “If you’re unhappy don’t cheat, just leave”. I am also not telling you to stay with a cheating partner, because that is not wise love. What I am saying is, don’t define yourself by what you think and how you feel momentarily, your negative thoughts can become your strongest allies if you learned how to communicate with them. They’re not your enemy, most of the time they’re just there to tell you an underlying message about yourself.
It takes more courage to love than to hate, and I’m still learning how to love with wisdom, to know how to protect myself but still love sincerely is a very difficult task. But I will never allow my heart to be tainted to such a point that I will never love with all my heart again, because religion aside, I truly believe genuine love casts out all fear, covers all wrongs and will eventually lead someone out of torment and into freedom.